思考錯誤

 最近讀了兩本書, feeling very empowered and inspired. 

Maye Musk 真的很厲害 我想要當像她一樣的女性  獨立誠實  優雅時尚 勤奮努力 勇往直前

她能勇敢離婚帶著三個幼子離開 窮困的扶養他們  還能拿進修並自宅創業  她不幸的一切 讓我覺得自己已經很幸運 她帶給我勇氣與信心 我沒有什麼可以抱怨的  積極勤奮努力 是我需要現在開始做的  為自己的人生和興趣奮鬥   Maye Musk 真是個偉大的女性 she's my new idol. 

想想我之前還在自怨自艾 煩惱沒有Helper等  真的是太慚愧了  我還有個健全的婚姻  老公雖然有時很欠揍, 但整體來說還能接受 最近他也改變很多  (Thank God). 

*還有我要努力開始  抬頭挺胸 及 健康少量高纖多餐😌

另外

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*CK

讓我感覺不舒服的Why Questions, 應該更努力去dig more, to understand what the real issue underlying. And what if, my perspective was wrong all along? 覺得失敗的部分  很有可能是自己的思考方向錯誤, 有可能根本不是這樣, 是自己的迷思和沒自信 這讓我開始重新思考很多事情及帶給我更大的勇氣 去面對會讓我不舒服的事情 it's deeper and relate to my so -called "failure" 去了解自己的內心想法, 勇敢面對, 訂定計畫 改變心態 勇於解決問題 

我自己

昨晚, 我嗅到恐懼
哀傷蔓延
只因為, 書中的一句話, "妳真切努力過, 妳活的問心無愧. 這就是妳." (摘自安.摩根的小說"我不是我自己").


空白



讓我可以奮不顧身的努力, 投入真心認真, 不斷的付出,  不計後果, 不間斷瘋狂持續的,
是什麼

是什麼
i would and will always end up go back to

是
什
麼
?


我為我自己
感到羞恥
為不夠在乎半調子的自己
難過
我
對不起自己
我用"不在乎"及"謊言"來埋沒真實的自我
我的膽怯, 懦弱
把事情複雜化,用酒精找快樂


我只想知道
現在
什麼事, 我真的在乎到可以
忘我

不計較只付出
不害怕結果
熱切迫切的投入, 把它做到最好
只在乎這件事到不在乎丟臉

有一天
不久的將來,
我會自信滿足地說"我真切努力過, 我活得問心無愧, 這就是我".

Thin Line

last night, got a thin line of paper cut on my thumb when I tried to open up the beer at dinner with colleagues
Excited, Pressed, Pressed, and bursted it out, and stayed silent

Today
Kept feeling impatient during the weekly meeting
WHY
What t F
this is going the other way around
I understand the inventory pressure, but this is not how it runs.
We can't burry our heads to play heavier discount game, Come on.

I just got a bit pissed. Srly, I was.
We should be the ones to evaluate and determine the rights and wrongs, can't just follow the orders carelessly, of course not.
DO THE RIGHT THING.
In the long run, this is healthier.
Don't ruin it at the very ground. Look at the Long Run.
Geez.
Don't focus on the short term profit, we need to build it up with a solid ground.
If we don't have a solid base/ set rules straight, it will be a f disaster in the end.

Okay That is THAT.
Enough of this topic. Complaint is not going to bring me anywhere.  I will need to solve this crisis.

I think it's just Lack of Ground Rules/ Strict Deadline/ Complete follow through really bothers the shit out of me.
I need to change this.
Challenge.
and I am Ready for it.

Not the end, but to be Continued

kind of sensed it, but didn't expect to see this coming at all.
Perhaps coz i am an optimist


I still want to keep it going.
I need to try harder and harder to make it happen.


Life
Balance point, we all struggle to reach it.
vaguely dancing in between of
spontaneously-wild actions and Well-planed-rational actions.

Yes, I love it, but give-in is another story, which has not been my biggest strength.
Yep and Discipline, and Proactive, and .....

Truth is, without making 200% efforts, we are going no where.

An ending = A New Beginning.
Lets make it a Breaking point, shall we.

RESET

Frankly speaking,

I need to "RESET". Otherwise, I feel everything had been so scattered around. I need to focus, Reform, work it, make it MINE n SHINE. 

Yep.

It's time to Reset and Work, Work, Work Work Wooooork. 

When I write a diary entry

I only write when Im very emotional.
Which would be when Im upset.
I just realized my blog had been quite dark and all the same about how upset i was.
Either over my husband or still my husband.
Haha.
Welcome to married life.

i wont go getting tired of you, will I not

"Awww, it hurts!!!!"  I can feel my bottom lip is getting swollen by a "playful" bite from Mac-the-dog.
Again, woke up by Mac-the-dog this morning, thank you Mac for being such an early bird. It's very difficult to ignore him, he kept using his cute paws to tap my arm and smack my face (LOL).

10:21am Mac-the-dog was not too cooperating this morning when I took him out with a bike.
He just wanted to go on his own way or stopped whenever he felt like, almost got me tumbled many times. It was a real hassle, my original plan was to take him out for some decent amt of exercise and aiming to burn him out, but turns out, I am the one who's exhausted to hell.

And there is just a weird vibe/tension between me and my husband.
I don't know why, and it upsets me. I can smell it from the air, there is something wrong. Hate this. I don't know why he's doing this to me. I just got back from New York, i was exhausted from the business trip already, and now he has to be an ass*ole to me. What the f. I know he somehow managed to get his back injured, but what do I have to do with this? Give me a break.

And not to mention, yesterday, of course I've been sleeping thru out the day due to jet lag and my period, and he had to give me an attitude about this, srly, give me a f break. I just got back 2 days ago, and Im 32, not 23 when I physically didnt know what "jet lag" was. I had to listen to his non-sense of how lazy i was. F you.

And he decided to give Mac-the-dog a shower, and then blaming on me for not helping him out. Excuse me, I was sleeping the whole time, i dont know why on earth out of no where you had the urge to give him a shower when we already agreed on taking him to shower in 2 days.
AND here comes the most ridiculous part, MY HUSBAND, HE HAD THE BALLS TO f* EAT MY PIZZA, THE WHOLE F THING WHILE I WAS ASLEEP. DID NOT LEFT ME A PIECE, NOPE, NOT ONE SLIDE, NOT EVEN A BITE. Who the F does that?
When I woke up, I realized he not only ate his own pizza, but also finished mine. i just wanted to tear him apart, or grab him head to smash right onto the wall.
and all he said was "I thought u were not gonna wake up tonight." Not even an apology.
F you.

Sad, really.
Listening to " Tired of you" by Foo Fighter.
Srly I am so fed up with your BS.

Breathless

I feel I can't breathe well

What am I feared of?

What I feared was how Wonderful things could turn out so ugly and unfamiliar?

What I saw and what I felt was so unbelievably harmful, why? 

Why now? Why all of the sudden?

What did I do?

Why does he turn out to be like this?

Cold and mean

I don't know if he's the same person I fell in love with anymore. 

I am so tired of wondering

I am so sick of saying any word 

So tired

And awful

Beyond Longlyness, it's disappointing.

Like a trash

That's it

Like a trash

All I saw was his back walking towards outside 

And until his back was completely out of my sight 

I realized I needed to carry my belongings with me to the lift

That's it

Without a good bye.

What do I expect, welcome to the life.

I couldn't help but wonder

What exactly had I done to deserve this?

To be treated like a trash.

I thought I gave it all in, and showed the real me, I thought that's it. This gotta b the happy ending. 

Yeh, That's it. Like that.

Not even enough time or logic for me to figure, and that's it.

At This very moment ,Only my belongings were left right besides me. That's it. 

It's not a happy ending, but an unexpected one. 

So what? YEs what? no what?

不知道
還是很害怕  說不在乎是騙自己的
可是這就是人生
不討人喜歡又怎樣
at least i tried at least thats whom i am
Being naked is never my thing, i mean mentally, surely neither physically
but yeh i tend to protect what i truly love or treasure ever since i was a little kid
it's a if you do then, you do it, if you don't, then f it.

i am scared of judgement because i am a judgemental person
OMG im sick of deny deny deny
living in my own world

Just do it.

Say no more

I no longer know if I have the strength to deal with it

Or defense myself

Whatever

I don't want to be opened to you anymore. 

Like two strangers who hold their own emotions and feelings back

Depress them but it's always there

I was horrified to hear all that

You know my weakness, I hate it, and you keep doing it.

I'm sorry I'm scared to face you again

At least not for now.

Photoshop project

努力學習

The More I see

If
there is a dramatic time phrase for ppl to outgrow during their life
i would say mine is this year, when im am already bloody 29 years old.



This time, i decided to face/accept all the goods and the bads as peacefully as I could
                       instead of feeding myself with denial denial denial and denial


The truth could be ugly
The game could get tricky
The clutter could be vague




Here you go, Christine
                                           Stay Naive, but be Smart
                                      Stay Harmless, but be Sharp
                  Stay Spontaneously Playful, but Always be Responsible

Start by Starting

When you walk away from a table, make sure you are prepared to walk away from the table

Enough's enough

I'm done 

Was the only line across my mind when the words blurred out 

That's when I found out that what the most important thing in the world

Is not how fancy the title you are entitled to 

Nor is how much money you make

whom you spend it with, every day, is 

Ciao my 20s

Never say NeVErrrrr

But good Bye

;)

Yes I'm a sweetheart, I'm sweet, kind and harmless.

But Don't ever mess with me

Otherwise

I will be the sweetest bitch you've ever known in your life.

Mmm

i feel like
absolutely dont want to do anything else besides sitting my ass right at where i am now

Frankly speaking,
it is an art to distribute the right amt of energy into Work, Career, Love, Friendship, and Family.

Prioritize, discipline, .....

be Grateful, Cheerful, Peaceful
with Positive attitude and thinking

i can do whatever i want, and get whatever i demand.
Now go get it Tiger.

Speechless

Words couldn't even express my feelings

I could only be silent

I didn't want you to know how foolish and childish I am

I don't want you to know how much I miss you

How desperate I am to see you

I could only swallow the loneliness myself

I don't even want to say a word

Coz whatever I said sounds like 狡辯to you

I feel so hurtful 

I had my make up on for nothing

But it's okay

I'm not good with words

I feel hurtful coz your words are mean 

I wanted to feel that you do care for me, so I said it that way.

But whatever

Doesn't matter coz he believes in what he wants to believe.

him

I just wanna say that
this may sound disgusting or whatsoever

I want to be with you
i mean physically go to the same home with you

i want to get to cuddle with you, get to see you all the time, get to be with you for most of the time
perhaps it's too much to ask for
considering that we don't either own or afford an our own apt in town

I don't know maybe it has to do with my past
i want to be in the same house with my love one
so that i get to see his lovely face every morning
if not my beloved one, then thats like hell No no.

i wish one day
we would have our own flat
which is decorated by me with cozy-and-modern style with s touch of Retro
In this cozy happy flat, not only has two people who are in love,
but they also have a cute fuzzy doggie whose name is Max.

I would try to entertain my partner(Max's master), cook for him, please him, and laugh with him
we shall laugh, make fun of, inspire, challenge, and make love with each other

I dont know
it sounds too perfect to be true.
It's better we left the story to be continued spontaneously... as it is, and as it will be.
It's not my style to picture something with imaginary expectation.
i only care about my feeling, at this right moment, Now-now.
I only give a damn about what i am certain of.
which is i like him a lot, i wish i could be with him all the time haha.

Why even bother

I don't know why I even bothered to ask

I don't like his response

And it's not like he's ever gonna change his response for his past relationship 

I mean what kind of obstacle was that

Love could solve anything if there is any

What upsets me is that he might like her more than he does towards me

Why didn't you persist if you really liked her that much

Tried to change her parents' perception or whatsoever

So annoying

Your so-called love is so fragile