When does it become the other way around

I can't stop but wonder

When did it start to become the other way around

When a woman has to try so hard to impress a man to catch his attention and hope it would turn into interest?

Srly does it have to do with aging?

For Christ sake everything does do with aging

Too many bloody attractions and distractions 

Too many grey area, blurry flirtatious lines, overwhelming delusion, devious sedusion, casual sex drive, pretty faces, impulsive drama, and excessive alcohol.

We r just too fearful to stay sober to break our fantasy and face the reality.

Speaking of reality, does it even Ever exist?

Considering ppl all live in their own delusion, and don't even bother to put down their champaign glass n turn off the beat.

Let's just all get wasted retarded fearless, keep feeding ourselves with the preferable fantasy coz no matter what we said n done tonight, no one would even bother to care, remember, and the worst of all not even ourselves.

What am I thinking

What am I thinking

I don't have a f clue

Mmm

I don't know

I'm just curious

What it feels like to be in that position with benefit

Am I too naive or the other way around?

Lose myself

Loose myself.

Lose myself in the beat.

Focus on myself n enjoy it.

Shamelessly 

I'm the BEST!

Nanana

I'm overly happy now!

Coz I feel so good to dance with the beat

Truly enjoy IT!

Omg this is just so fun n exciting!

Love....unnecessary luxury

Daily comic diary

Let it ROCK

I'm feeling pretty high today

Because I knew that I made the right decision 

Everything goes so well around me now

Besides love at the moment

But I know

One day

Soon

I will be able to look up to the sky, and yell I f made it. 

Let it rock let it rock let it rock!

Haha life

I don't know if it's just me

Or like whoever is also like this whatsoever

I will b fine tmr

I will just fully enjoy my nervous breakdown tonite 

Used to this anyways 

Duuuuuh

....

Classic, cliche, typical,...

Behaviors with the same predictable pattern

Hahaha

Been there done that.

Halloween

Haha Halloween,

Again.

This time, besides my swollen n turned-to-black bruised lips reminds me that I'm still alive,

The rest is just not worthy to mention.

Halloween

Haha Halloween,

Again.

This time, besides my swollen n turned-to-black bruised lips reminds me that I'm still alive,

The rest is just not worthy to mention.

Hired!!!!

Yay I've been so blessed by God!

Thank you so much!

....

I don't know what I want

When I have this, I long for the other

I never treasure what I have

Why

The thing is that I don't even know what I really want anymore

At least for now I know precisely what I don't want

Last night

Exhausted

Honestly speaking, I'm so exhausted right now.

But I'm thankful to God!

I've been so blessed:)

Wish everything will work out well for me!

Do It Like You Fking Mean it

i guess my point is
Christine, seriously, do it like you bloody meant it.
Yeh
YES!!!!!! there is no way back. I can take myself for granted.
Just enjoy as much as i could, devote my full self to what I love.
Truly love.
Make it Happens.
WHo cares success or failure it turns out, just do it.
At least I try
to live my life, to accomplish my dream, to devote myself into what's meaningful to me, to be happy and enjoy my life, to treasure what i have instead of looking back at the past.

Last SaturdaY

Perfect end. PS14.

Headphones

....

I don't know how to help myself to stop being tramped in the past

I guess Til I find the next person I love

I just wish to see you and him one very last time before an end finally draws us apart officially 

It tears me apart to recall the memory 

Whatever 

Christine.

Stop

Lately what makes me smiLe

Food: Cheese Burger with French Fries from Mcdonald, 意仁露behind Sogo
Addiction: Killing Zombies and ODIN no.3(just can't resist from the perfume smell)
Shame: No more Dexter....(Last Episode is SAD) Bye Dex....
Possession: 2 Rings + 1 Handbag and ODIN no.3
Project: Working on my Jewelry Biz (Initial Stage)
Urge: Dye my hair...
Oh and this cute polar bear I ran into in eslite haha

Confidence

I just need confidence

Absolutely confident with myself

Problem solved.

Pause

I'm with a man I'm not in love with.

That's it.

What I like about him is I thought he would love me without expectation

Turns out, you can never take anyone for granted

Why am I with him is what I shall ask myself

Because I'm insecured as aging 

Perhaps it's time to be happily alone without feeling lonely 

Pause

I'm with a man I'm not in love with.

That's it.

What I like about him is I thought he would love me without expectation

Turns out, you can never take anyone for granted

Why am I with him is what I shall ask myself

Because I'm insecured as aging 

Perhaps it's time to be happily alone without feeling lonely 

All that matters

I guess there is nothing much left to say

It was hard to hear, but I heard it.

I am seeking to someone who would be there, when I'm down. 

The line he said was just too unpleasant for me to repeat it, to remind myself what kind of person he is.

So I guess he wants to be with someone who is cheerful 24/7. 

Telling me that I'm pulling up with a mad face? Is that why u decided to rather spend your time with your friends or mine instead of cheering me up n accompanying me for this very last bloody fucking night？

Whatever, I don't even care. It's no longer my concern and please I got better things to care about.

Dare

Do I dare

I don't know...

One thing I'm sure of

Haha... Does it even matter now

Difficult for whom

I've been to heaven, I've been to hell, Ive been to New York, and God knows where.

Don't tell me it's difficult for both of us, you have no clue what kind of life I've been having since I left. 

No matter how much I want to draw an end to the destructive path of mine, the memory has always haunted me.

I'm haunted by the ghost of memory.

My mental is so fuked up now n I just don't know how to make it right. I don't even know how to live with myself. 

Do you have any idea what kind of life i live in- the life I constantly don't want to spend any second longer to be sober?

I just want to stay unconscious so I don't resent myself and my life.

Last Saturday night

Isn't it

Perhaps uncertainty has accompanied me for too long, what's going to happen next? What's the next step? 

Hardly matters.

Because I still need to move forward withoutI having a bloody clue,

Might as well, live with it in peace, stop being so dramatic, up n down only tortures my spirit n suck my energy out, KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON

Because everything is going to eventually fall into its place, isn't it.

Frown

I don't know why I'm feeling so OUTSIDER.

It's just like feeling so awkwardly uncomfortable like an anti-social person.

I can't even manage to put up a fake smile, nor act as enjoying myself.

I am so tired.

I hate to be at somewhere that there are so many people without many familiar faces.

Whatever I just don't care anymore

I feel foolish to feel bad for him

Srly, I'm just too tired to deal with his non sense anymore

I feel completely exhausted by my work n my own personal on hand issue

Mentally destructive 

When can I ever draw an end to these two things 

When....

WHEEEEEEEEEN

Whom am I kidding

Seriously, who am I trying to lie to?

Myself?

Because I can hardly delude myself anymore. And I just hate to admit it.

In almost every field, I came to realize now and then between sober and wasted, I know by my heart that there is not one single thing I'm satisfied with in my life at the moment, perhaps only the weight loss part I'm happy with, but beside that, my career path, my current work transition process, my love life, my future, and not to mention, my financial status, everything just doesn't seem to be on the right track.

I feel like I'm lost.

The only thing I'm certain of is indulging alcohol no longer makes me happy, no longer an escape of the reality. 

I need the courage and faith to face this bloody ugly yet brutal reality.

Grouchy

I feel extremely grouchy lately

I just don't have patience for absolutely anything 

I'm gonna explode soon

Filthy potato chips

I decided to cut down on alcohol 

Frankly speaking, i had been drinking too much 

Also the potato chips and online stream movie are certainly not too helpful

I'm sure there is better activity to kill the boredom n depression

I need to stay sober to move forward.

Don't care about how, just do it 

Orange get together

Upset

I just know that he's just someone that fills the gap.

It's sad.

Truly.

Just Wait there

Sitting alone by the glass window facing towards the view of Taipei in flog

My only accompanies are a glass of Chardonnay, a plate of almonds, and an old fashioned candle

It starts to depress me when the question of why am I sitting here alone waiting...hits me

Why am I even here

I'm so exhausted 

Oh wait 

Just because about an hour ago, i got this what's app msg telling me to just wait there

Satisfaction

Now I feel satisfied, my wonderful snack selection:D

Pouring Thursday

already sad as it is to have a heavily raining holiday, and on top of this, I must go all the way in this nasty weather to return the wig n DVD. But the worst of all, is going to work tomorrow when i should deserve 4days-in-a-roll holidays like everybody else. God damn it And....i need to get my lazy ass up from the bed within the next 5 min to deal with my dirty laundry.

剔牙

no one could hurt you unless you let them to

i came to realize that my current job was the cause of my faded away passion for fashion
it was the right decision to leave
i follow my heart
it could be a job that millions of girls die for to have

but at the end
all i can see is full of greedy and unappreciated faces saying things that r full of Sh*t
Whom took me for granted without giving me the credit

it truly depresses me.
all the shouts, the crucial disappointing look, the frown, the unspoken disapproval, the downgraded position, and negative comments made me fear and hate this job

Only i know that it is unfair.
I had devoted myself to do all these things to try to reach the expectation, but turns out, all i have gotten is negative comment and false accusation.

but it was a great experience. I've learned a lot from it. Truly.  

Ridiculously funny

Some people are just so full of themselves without any solid ability or experience, so foolish...

U can't even tell if she's qualified or not, it just indicates how foolish you are.

So insanely funny, how a person could be so arrogant and act so stupid without knowing the consequence.

Oh well, you are just making a big fool of yourself.

Anyways I'm off the hook.

U can keep being stupid all you want, it's no longer my responsibility.

It's not gonna be my loss.

There will be a price for you to pay at the end 

Lets just wait and see how badly you gonna mess this up

I'm so done with your full of sh#t, ciao!

Happily ever after

Congrats ANGELICA!!

I wish you all the bests and blessings! It was a very sweet n touching wedding, I'm so happy for you that you have found your Mr.Right. I wish you live happily ever after with your prince!

9/4/2013

That's it.

I'm alone again.

All by myself.

Haha it's better coz I'm sick of deluding myself.

F u all

I would rather remain naive

Srly u r not worthy for me to do all the pretending n gaming

It's your f loss 

Haha we will see

I have my deadline 

I will not compromise 

Just be myself

i wanna feel reborn. 

Be confident and fearless. 

because i know i am capable of. 

i dont want to lie, delude, or convince myself into something not desirable. 

I think that was the last straw.

an honest statement from him,  exactly what i need to draw an end to this. 

I don't regret to any decision i made Ever. 

I act as how i feel. 

Lonely

The speech of his at Red Sky is still on my mind, that night silence was the only response I could manage to have.

Disappointment filled up n I could not think of anything else but feeling hurt.

I'm happy that he's being honest with me, and I know those flaw behaviors of mine ages ago. 

Anyways I guess my point is that I am whom I am and I feel what I feel, if being with someone needs to suppress my own feelings and act as something else, there is really no point to be together.

What is the point to be together if you can't be honest to yourself, act as who you are, and just be transparent without masking yourself. Seriously, already enough masking, faking, n suppressing in life.

I want to be with someone who doesn't ask me to change my character, who could take n accept me as who I am.

BKK vacation

Our 5 days Vacation in BKK is over. It was fun n exhausting. Food is great, drink is cheap, and got some lovely jewelry and loads of snack. 

I wouldn't say it was a perfect vacation that enriches our bonding considering of couple fights n awkwardly silent moments in between. Yet It definitely makes both to wonder if .....

a week after Paris

The inflammation of the inner mouth reminded me the ongoing anxiety caused by the depression
The urge of having a mouthful of cakes over endless glasses of wine simply is indeed the sign of suppressing the depression.
trying to spot the cause of the depression, the drive of self-changing and long vacation? the failure of the jewelry making engagement? the terrible shape of my figure? the faded passion for current relationship? the loneliness of having no one to speak of my pain? the dark prospect of my future and career?
I need to restructure the outcome of my life and reset myself.
haven't figured exactly how in details, but it simply has to be done.
I simply have to.

emotionally unavailable

Probably just maybe
i've been through too much high-high and low-low for not-really-love-but-more-like-crush type of affairs.
Im just so fed up with love now.
What exactly is love to me?
What exactly is love doing good to me?
Excitement, something keep me hyper.
Something makes life starting to become enjoyable.


So cheers to those brought-me-to-heaven-n-push-me-down-to-earth affairs, in the name of so-called LoVe.

Tryyy

It's been a little more than a year.
So here i am,
sipping white wine in my room, so familiar as always like a daily routine back in New York,
the only difference is this time...

• i am in Taipei, Taiwan- A city I had been craving for, and i have been living here for more than a year.
• My relationship status is Single- A status i did not specifically dreamed for but i'd enjoyed for a solid year, and now it has become my major concern.
• I am an Assistant Buyer at a high end fashion select shop- A full time job with the title that I could ever dreamed of

Many things have changed, new faces, new environment, new pretty much bloody everything.

Frankly speaking, i've been trying or not
to live on with my own life.
Regardless how difficult it is.